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Why Abstinence?

Many teens (and even adults) choose abstinence for many reasons.  Here's a few to mention. 

1. They don't have to worry about getting an STD (sexually transmitted disease)

2. They can't get pregnant

3. There's no medical or hormonal side affects

4. It's free

5. It reduces emotional risks

6. It's safe

7. It gives you time to be worry free and to focus on other things

Choosing abstinence can happen at any point of your life, whether you've had sex before or not.  Deciding to not be sexually active is a personal decision you have to make for yourself.  Others should not make that decision for you, as well as you should not make that decision for others.

To answer this, you have to do a lot of thinking.  Think about your values and what feels right to you.  A couple of teens wrote in with questions about these tough topics....check out what we had to say.

Q: Can being fingered by a boy cause me to lose my virginity?  

A: Virginity is defined in so many ways in today's world.  The traditional, way back in the day,  thought was virginity was lost during the first encounter of vaginal intercourse and an indication of that was bleeding which signified the hymen was broken or stretched.  So that was the traditional thought and still a thought by many, however there are new thoughts of how someone can lose their virginity.  

We know now that hymens can be stretched or broken long before the first occurrence of intercourse, this can be done during activities such as horseback riding, gymnastics and other sports, using tampons or during masturbation.  That means a girl may not bleed the first time she has sex...but she still can.  It all depends on the girl.

Many people consider during your first encounter of anal sex or oral sex is the mark of virginity loss.  Some believe it's during vaginal intercourse.  That thought leaves out lesbians or gay people who are having sex with their same gender.  What I'm trying to get at is, virginity and the loss of virginity can be defined and determined in so many ways and it is significantly decided by the person involved.  You may think oral sex or anal sex is not sex, therefore you're still a virgin, other people make think otherwise.  It's really up to the person.

Virgin or not, you need to know the risks of sexual activity.  Girls listen up!  We've seen a trend of young girls (and sometimes older girls too) having oral sex to stay safe, to stay a virgin, to not have sex, to just please a guy to keep him and the list goes on.  Girls are thinking..."If I have oral sex with him, he won't leave me, and I'm still a virgin and I'm still safe because I can't get pregnant." We've got some bad news...oral sex isn't always safe.  Many sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can pass while giving or receiving oral sex.  That's why it's important to use condoms or dental dams.  

It's tough to define virginity these days.  I know this sounds like a crazy idea, but if you're stuck you can always ask a parent/guardian, someone who's older, someone you trust and see what their thoughts are.  Talking with someone you trust and respect about issues like this can help you out.  Whatever you choose, make sure it's your decision, your thought and that you're comfortable with it.

Q: If I've had sex before, can I be a virgin again?

A: We've been getting questions regarding becoming a virgin again or second virginity quite a bit, I think people are trying to ask about Abstinence.  The definition of abstinence is: to refrain from something, to not do something.  This could pertain to drinking, overeating, sleeping in all summer long, but in this case if means to not engage in any sexual activity.  One can't be a virgin again, but the can choose abstinence at any time.  If someone has had sex before, they don't have to do it again until they are ready to do so.  

Something really important to know is, sex should always be the individual's choice.  When it's not, that means something is unhealthy about the relationship or situation you're in and you should talk to someone you trust as soon as you can to get help.

Check out the scenarios below, they are scenarios that can and have happened to teens.  What would you do if you got in one of these situations?  Do you know how you'd respond?  Ask your parents what they think about the scenarios or talk about it with your friends.  It's good to talk through these sorts of things, that way if the situation happens to you, you're brain is already prepared to respond.

Ricky and Ann's Scenario

Sam and Holly's Scenario

Ricky and Ann had been dating for quite a long time, while they were in a relationship they decided to have sex.  They eventually broke up and started dating other people.  Greg and Ann started dating, Greg knew that Ricky and Ann had been sexually active and he expects Ann to have sex with him. Ann knew from her last relationship with Ricky that she wasn't ready to have sex and wanted to wait until she was more mature and older to have sex again.  What do you think will happen with Ann and Greg?

Ann doesn't have to have sex with Greg just because she had sex with Ricky.  She can wait until she's ready.  Greg may not respect this or he may not understand why Ann chooses not to have sex with him.  Ann doesn't have to explain anything to Greg, but she should say to him, I'm not ready for that type of relationship and I would like you to respect that. 

What if Greg doesn't respect that?  Should Ann continue to date him?  Should she give in and have sex with him?  

What do you think?  

They enjoyed dating and spending time with each other but their relationship was very physical as well.  Sam was uncomfortable with how quickly it became a very physical (sexually active) relationship.

Sam wanted to slow down, he wanted to be sexually abstinent for a while.  This was obviously very hard to decide and even more difficult to bring up with Holly.  

Sam really likes Holly, he just wants to slow their relationship down and get to know each other better before continuing a sexual relationship.  He wants to work on their communication skills and get to know Holly as a person, also he wants to know if she's been sexually active before, if she's been tested for STDs and if she's using a hormonal method of birth control.  He has a lot on his mind and just wants to know more before he gets further involved with Holly.

How can Sam explain this to Holly?  How might Holly react?  Is it ok for Sam to decide this?  Should Holly break up with him?

What do you think?